Sunday, July 29, 2007

It's official, Charles Oakley is mentally insane...in the cool way

Growing up as a huge Knick fan, Charles Oakley instantly became a favorite of mine. The guy could hustle and rebound like nobody's business, and knew to score at the right moments and times. Mostly when he was anywhere under 10 feet from the basket. Anyway...

I was reading Frank Isola's blog, and found this interesting little thing on Charles Oakley...

And I quote from el bloggo:
"Oakley told the Toronto Star that he would consider a comeback, even with the Knicks, if the price is right. Oakley has been out of the league for three years.
"I'm not coming back cheap," he said. "If you read this article and you think you can get me cheap, there's another thought coming.""

Uhh...what the hell are you talking about, dude? You're FORTY-THREE. Not come cheap? First of all, how the hell do we know that you're any good anymore? Last I checked, you spent your last few years in the league playing garbage time and bitching about the younger players with their "gangsta clothing" and their "conflabbed mp3 Players" and their "danged Playstations, we had Atari's, muthafucka!"

Ok fine, I made the last two up.

Really, I can't rag on Charles, I love the man. He was one tough son of a bitch. Did you hear that story on how he beat the shit out of someone to make them leave the team? I think it was Rafer Alston? I'm not 100% sure on that, so anyone feel free to correct me. I mean that was four years ago. He was damn near forty! HOLY SHIT, what a manly SOB.

Of course, that doesn't mean he has any talent left in him or anything. Hell, if I were David Stern, I'd hire the guy to beat the shit out of anyone who feels like being a whiny bitch. Awwww poor Kobe, your baby ass wants to be traded? POW, Stern calls in Charles Oakley to beat his ass, all A-Team style. Gilbert Arenas running his mouth too much? How would a "Charles Oakley Specialty Knuckle Sandwich" sound, Gilbert?

Of course, the true highlight of the article is the last part:
"Oakley also claims that he’s working on a tell-all book.
"I'm not pulling any punches, true stories. It ain't one of those Charles Barkley fake books, it's a Charles Oakley book," Oakley said. "It's not an O.J. book, it's an Oakley book.""

Holy shit, how awesome does that sound? A CHARLES OAKLEY BOOK?! From the words of Oakley himself! And thanks for reminding me that it's NOT ONE OF THOSE FAKE BOOKS, IT'S A CHARLES OAKLEY BOOK MOTHERFUCKA.

Seriously, I would so reserve a copy of that book. Then we can get the REAL story on that battle with Michael Cage for the rebounding title in '88...
"That muthafuckin' son of a cheap mama bitch Michael Cage took my fuckin' reboundin' title from me. NO ONE messes with me: I'm fuckin' Charles Oakley. That bitch betta' not fuckin' see me in the streets, or I'll fucking pound him Charles Oakley style ya hear?"

Don't ever change Charles, don't ever change. That's why you're one of my heroes.

UPDATE: Reader Jay sent this suggestion, which is pretty true:
"Charles Oakley needs his own TV show now. Put him on Inside The NBA if you can. It would be awesome seeing him and the other Charles (Barkley that is) get into arguments about every little thing. Oakley can bring out the "My opinions are real, not like your fake opinions Barkley!" insult."

I couldn't agree more.

4 comments:

Jay said...

Charles Oakley needs his own TV show now. Put him on Inside The NBA if you can. It would be awesome seeing him and the other Charles (Barkley that is) get into arguments about every little thing. Oakley can bring out the "My opinions are real, not like your fake opinions Barkley!" insult.

I had no idea he was coming out with a book. We can only hope it's that good, but we all know 99% of biographies are done by ghost writers.

PYLW said...

Oh my GOD, that'd be fucking ratings GOLD, Jay.

Considering who this is, I highly doubt Oak will let his book be ghost written. That's a good thing. :D

Basketbawful said...

Hunh. And here I thought he was busy running his car wash business.

PYLW said...

Oh god, first person to photoshop Oak washing cars wins a handshake.